As I sat down to write this month’s newsletter, I realized Valentines Day was upon us. I recognize Valentines Day to some can be construed as a “Hallmark” holiday filled with buying gifts and eating way too much chocolate. But for others Valentines Day is considered a time to enjoy their romantic relationships and every aspect of a holiday filled with hearts, love and candy. For me, I see Valentine’s Day as a way to have an open discussion about making the most of our relationships and spending time with those we care about.
Part of engaging in our relationships in a productive and healthy way, is understanding what type of person we are in a relationship and understanding what we need out of our relationship. In turn, we should also learn who our partner is and what they may need out of our interactions.
A great book that floats around our office constantly is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. This book or rather the Five Love Languages discussed in the book has become a beacon of hope in many a counseling sessions with individuals who are looking for love, working on love, and managing their relationships.
The book discusses how we all engage in relationships based on the way we view and receive love. The Five Love Languages are Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts. Below I break down each of the Love Languages and discuss in some detail what each language is all about.
Affirmation encompasses using words to show love. For many, we feel most valued when our partner tells us they love and appreciate us and we also use words as a sign of affection towards our partner. We may also want to show love by the words we use, encouraging our partner and telling them how much they mean to us. Some of us need to hear from our partner, I love you regularly or thank you for all you do for me. And some of us enjoy using words to show how much we love the person we are with.
Physical Touch identifies a person who values physical touch in their relationship or more intimacy to feel connected within the relationship. And someone who wants to also give physical touch and intimacy as a way to show love and affection. This may include hand holding or lots of hugs and cuddling.
Quality Time encompasses a person who really values spending time with someone, going on dates or enjoying watching a football game at home. These individuals value spending time with their partner over other things and also show love by spending valuable time with their partner. Dates and the quality of the dates are important.
Acts of Service talks about someone who feels loved and valued in a relationship when their partner does special things for them or when they do special things for their partner. Maybe you buy a Starbucks one morning or you cook dinner one evening. These are ways that someone who appreciates acts of service feels loved and validated in their relationship. Some people just want to give acts of service for their partner to show their love.
Gifts are just what they seem to be, showering those you love with tangible gifts. For some, getting gifts whether that be a valentines day teddy bear, a new pair of shoes, or a gift card to their favorite store, are important in showing that someone cares about you or that you care about someone. Those who value gifts as a love language feel more connected and appreciated in their relationship when they are given gifts by their partner or when they give gifts.
Some of us adopt just one love language.We know there is that one thing that helps support our relationship and fosters our validation and love. While some of us adopt a few love languages. We know that a little bit of affection and a little bit of physical touch with a little bit of acts of service help us feel more connected to our partner and is how we want to be in a relationship.
Remember your love language isn’t just about what you are receiving from your partner but also what you give in a relationship. It defines the way in which we act towards our partner and what we desire to receive within our relationship.
Whatever your love language is, it’s important to identify what kind of love language drives you and makes you feel validated, loved and more connected to your partner and to yourself as you give love and receive love.
Maybe one gift you can give yourself this Valentine’s Day is to think about what love language feels like to you. What do you value in your relationship? What do you enjoy about your partner? What type of person do you want to be for your partner? By figuring those things out you can figure out what drives you and you can have a more fulfilling relationship. With your partner and more importantly with yourself.
Angela Shaba
